Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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