yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
