i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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