How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
