Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
