i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
