i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
