Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he was CRYING into my vagina
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
