I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
