Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
