you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
