He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
