3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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