Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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