My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
