people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
