I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
