do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
