It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
