Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
