I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
