I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
