I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
