I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
