Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
