The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
