My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
