I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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