once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
