i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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