Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
