i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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