i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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