i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
