so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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