Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
