i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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