Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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