When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
