u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
