Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
