I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
