she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Barsexuality is the new black.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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