I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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