i love accidental penises.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
