Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
