I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
