she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
