I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize