So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
