it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
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Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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