I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
