oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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