She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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