I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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