My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
