the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
