90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
