Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
