my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
