I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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