she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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