Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
this will be a night to untag.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
