I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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